Brilliant.

"....And then he asked her to DTR" Cue appalled gasps rippling around the bar like dominoes. I shook my head in mock-horror, Oscar-winningly pretending i knew what on earth this friend-of-a-friend was talking about. I think i even added, "How dare he ask her that?" for good measure, while frantically racking my brains to work out what the hell a DTR was. A new STI? A questionable sex act? A method to calculate weight? Either way, he really shouldn't have asked her because within an hour of the DTR conversation, the couple in question had split up.
DTR, i now realise, means Define The Relationshop. So what he was trying to say in an 'oops i swallowed a self-help book' kinda was was, can i call you my girlfriend yet? It's what a US teenager might call 'exclusivity' and what your gran might refer to as 'going steady'. Yes, he should save his acronyms for cyberspace (tell him a joke and he'd probably shout "LOL!" in your face) but , the truth is, it's a conversation happening between couples everywhere -in the car, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the taxi queue at 3am. And ladies, i urge you to avoid it at all costs.
In my (hardly definitive) experience, talking DTR is the means to a realationship end. Whether it's you or him asking where you're heading, i can tell you the answer: Relationship RIP. Here's what happened to me. I'd been seeing a guy, let's call him Jacob* (sounds cool and sexy, no?), for siz months but i still didn't feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend. I'm not sure why. Maybe it felt more exciting to have a bit of scruff rather than my other half. Maybe i was keeping my options open. Maybe i imagined it eould be easier being dumped by, you know, just some guy i'm seeing by getting ditched by an actual boyfriend (i know, just words but it works for me). So, around out half-year mark, when this-guy-I'm-just-seeing-called-Jacob interrupted a perfectly romantic walk in the park to ask, "So, where are we going?" I reached for his hand and responded with "Dunno, how about the pub, then somewhere to eat noodles?" Turns out, what he really meant was, "We've been sharing our beds and social lives at least twice at week for the past six months, so what's next?" The truth was, I didn't know what was next. And i liked it tht way. I was too busy enjoying every second of getting to know him than to get bogged down with the serious chats. Everyone loves surprises, right? It's why gifts arrive neatly wrapped; it's why we read books from front to back and not vice versa; it's why we stick our fingers in our ears and make'la-la' noises when everyone's discussing The Apprentice that we have yet to watch on sky +. I don't want to know whats going to happen next, i want to wait and see. Turns out Jacob misread my approach as nonchalance and decided he wouldn't hang around to 'wait and see' what the next six months would bring. I didn't blame him. We live in a world of labels. I just didn't want one pinned on us yet. Shame really, because i was finally getting used to the idea of using the B-word.
I understand why it's necessary to ask the offending question. I've asked it myself before. Usually when i'm dating a completely insuitable but irresistable type who i know will only break my heart. It's for reassurance. I have plenty of female friends in long-term relationships who don't necessarily want to get married right now, but they would like to know that he'll put a ring on it one day. But is DTR-ing the only answer? I asked professional relationship mentor Judi James and she told me, "The truth is, women are so busy these days that we don't want to waste precious time investing ourselves, and our emotions, into a relationship that might not go anywhere. It's like working overtime when there's no prospect of future promotion. We're constantly asking ourselves, is this investment going to pay off or do i need to look elsewhere? This is the single most relationship-threatening question to ask your partner because the answer is kill or cure". She's right. Questions like, does my bum look big? and, was your ex better in bed than me? are nothing compared to the killer DTR question.

The big status switch
The problem with D-ing the R is that it puts you, and the said relationship, into a box. Then there's the pressure to live up to that label. Facebook is partly to blame. Whilst you may happily switch your status to ' in a relationship ' during those hrady first months of loved-up bloss, what if it all goes pear-shaped? Switching to 'no longer in a relationship' with the help of a pitiful broken-heart icon for 50 of your friends (and 200 people you met once or twice) to see is wince-indicing. It's like wearing a sandwich-board down your local high street, proclaiming, "Yes, yes i did get dumped!" through a loud speaker. In reality, Facebook should ditch the 'single' or 'in a relationship' options altogether because they don't exist anymore. Like it or nor, we all fall under 'It's complicated'.
Gone are the days when you could tick 'married', 'single' or 'other' on a job application. Our relationships are far more complex than that. What about those who are dating three men at once; sleeping with their ex; have a friend with benefits; shagging a different bloke every Saturday night; single and celibate; in love with a married man; married for three years but attending swinging parties once a month?
Whatever your relationship status, it can's possibly be defined into two categories. And thank goodness for that. As Judi explains, "The biggest problem with asking the DTR question is that you're hoping for the perfect answer. But it's unlikely that you'll get the response you want ("Oh yes, we'll get married, have three gorgeous children and find a country pile to call home"). The problem with having a plan is that it puts unnecessary pressure on both of you to fulfil it. Instead of having 'the chat', look out for defining relationship moments that mean he could be a keeper - going to weddings together, buying joint presents, talking about 'one day', meeting the family, a joint mortgage, hell, even getting a pet together . Then you can concentrate on enjoying a less bumpy ride"
And she's right. When you think back to my most significant long-term relationships, I don't ever remember sitting down to ask. "So, am i your girlfriend now or what?" We just got to the stage where we knew we were on the same page (i.e we were happy with each other and didn't want to sleep with anyone else right then). As soon as we weren't, the relationship defined itself: Over. For me, the mistake with attempting to DTR too early is that you risk killing off something potentially amazing before it's even had chance to develop. Of course, if you're 10 years in and the relationship still feels somewhat lacking definition, it might be time to ask the WTF? question. But that's a whole other conversation.


YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DTR WHEN...

You've been dating six months and his facebook profile still reads that he's 'in a relationship with Stephanie Green' , but thats not your name.

On your first date he starts a sentence with "When we're married..." gulp.

You're having a snuggly Sunday together when his phone rings and he says into it, " Not much, just hanging out with a mate".

He dumped you six weeks ago but you've just woken up in his bed for the third time this week.

You and your boyfriend of a year bump into his mum in Tesco and she says . " You must be Jennifer." You're not .


- company magazine . March 2010 issue.